It’s understandable to look for a silver lining, but, as a coping strategy, it can backfire. “It’s the incessant need to feel happiness, or to appear happy, that can be counterproductive.” “It’s usually not the positivity itself that’s toxic,” she says. It feels counterintuitive at first: How can all of these good vibes be bad? I asked Brett Ford, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Toronto, who devotes much of her research to weighing the costs and benefits of striving to feel good. Loosely defined, it’s a forced optimism, an intrinsic desire-nay, need-to shut down negative emotions as soon as they show up. Toxic positivity is a term bouncing around the internet lately, and it’s one that resonated when I first encountered it. So why is there so much pressure to pretend otherwise? And not even for the songwriter, who came up with it during a horrible divorce. Not for many people in our current, undeniably dark global reality.
There are days when it feels like The Lego Movie theme “Everything Is Awesome!!!” is jingling merrily away on repeat in my head. It’s also what I say to myself for fear of slipping into a dark, negative place that I’m not emotionally equipped to get out of. It’s what I say to my friends because I don’t want to burden them, and to my acquaintances because I just don’t want to get into it. It’s what I say to my parents because I don’t want them to worry. It’s what I say whenever people ask how I am, because I figure it’s what they want to hear. But I still avert my eyes when I pass by the bathroom mirror en route to the shower, not wanting to see a patchy, pieced-together Bride of Frankenstein. I had breast cancer surgery a few months ago, and I am incredibly relieved to be recovering fairly well. “You must be so happy that the worst is over.” The answer is yes. “You look just like normal!” someone said to me the other day. Find me on Twitter and blogging at Imperfect Perceptions. Renee Goyeneche: I am a writer and research editor focusing on information that benefits women, children, and families. If you've employed toxic positivity in the past to avoid dealing with difficult situations, you can remake it into an authentic optimism that serves your best interest. One of the most important is gaining a better understanding of your own tendencies and motivations. Perceived "failure" can be a hard pill to swallow, but it offers some valuable lessons. You're considering a drastic change just to break away.You're turning to coping mechanisms to get through the days.You've lost confidence and don't recognize yourself.You feel stifled, with no room to grow.You downplay your talents, or they go unused or unappreciated.You are modifying your plans for the future to suit someone else's vision.You are exhausted by demands and are constantly overwhelmed.Your attempts at communication are unreciprocated.You frequently tone down your thoughts and opinions or censor them entirely.You are constantly on edge, walking on eggshells and measuring your words during interactions.Here are some indicators that it's time to call it quits:
You can't fix something broken solely through good thoughts, and practicing toxic positivity could be trapping you in an unhealthy cycle. When it comes to relationships, if there's an ongoing pattern of stress or worry, you need to stop and pay attention to what's happening. If your thoughts on an issue are immediately negated by "positive" messaging, you're likely employing it as an avoidance technique. It happens across the board, at work, in marriages and in friendships because breakups are hard.
This concept is particularly applicable in relationships, where we rationalize sticking with something that has objectively passed its expiration date by focusing on the upside. Any mentality that bypasses or disregards them fails to serve your best interest.
(To be clear, your "best interest" is not a reference to what is convenient or easy from a personal standpoint.) We all have a series of natural mechanisms that work to keep us safe and healthy. How do you know when an optimistic mindset has turned the corner into toxic positivity? The clearest signal is when that "keep going" internal dialogue no longer serves your best interest. It can also prevent us from recognizing, processing and expressing emotion appropriately. It may cause us to ignore physical symptoms, disregard red flags in relationships and diminish hardship and loss. Unflinching optimism silences our instincts and invalidates trauma.